Reasons Why We Secretly Love the Way Cops Write

From this month’s Harpers (which, by the way, should just get over itself and start putting its stuff online like every other media outlet in the world):

Quill Bill

From a police report filed as evidence in the assault trial of William Singhlagah, twenty-seven, of Whakatane, New Zealand. In April, Singhlagah was found guilty and ordered to pay $350 to his victim, who was not named in court documents because he is a minor.

On Saturday, February 9, at about 8 p.m., the Defendant, William Singhlagah, was with a group of associates walking along Eivers Road.

The Defendant was carrying a hedgehog.

He approached to within five meters of the fifteen-year-old Complainant and threatened to throw the hedgehog at him.

The Complainant asked him not to do this.

That last sentence—terse, nicely paced, perfect—that last sentence slays me.

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